Miscarriage

Different places in the rollercoaster of grief. Members of a couple do not experience the same stage of grief at the same time. One may be at the crest of the rollercoaster, while another hurtles towards the bottom.

A woman may feel a sense of unreality about her miscarriage – “this can’t be true.” She may feel outraged or betrayed by advice her doctors gave her, or guilty, convinced that if only she had done something different the miscarriage would not have happened. She may feel sad, while her husband or partner still rages against what the hospital failed to do.

A man may feel he must be “strong,” and deny any sadness. Or he may feel acute pain, but left in the shadows while others focus on his partner. He may feel guilt that he is angry about being “left out.”

A woman may feel sad for many months, while her husband wants to move on, to have another baby. He may be bewildered by her continuing grief. She may feel unsupported. Or it may be the other way around.

What miscarriage does to a relationship. Miscarriage and stillbirth may bring some couples together in the way they cope with loss. Some report they are saddened, but closer because of what they have been through.

Miscarriage also may strain relationships, leaving men and women alone in their pain. It’s important to remember that there is no right way to grieve. You and your partner may cope with loss in different ways. This does not mean that your relationship is fundamentally flawed. Try to be candid about your differences, and to speak them aloud to each other.

Coping with miscarriage and stillbirth. Here are some thoughts that may help:

Give yourself time. Grief has its own timetable. It cannot be rushed, and may resurface even after you believe you have grieved and moved on. This is part of the normal recovery process. You may feel disorganized, unable to concentrate, or forgetful. These feelings, too, are normal.

Let others know what helps you. Friends and family members may want to pitch in, but often don’t know what someone needs after a loss. Help them help you! Tell them what you need, whether it’s help with laundry, cooking, or keeping you company.

Find support from others. You will need someone to listen to you, and to understand your feelings. It’s good if you can do this with your partner. Sometimes you can’t, or need others to speak to as well. Some couples find it helpful to attend a support group for people who have gone through a miscarriage.

Give yourself permission to avoid situations that are painful. If you’ve recently had a miscarriage and find the thought of attending a baby shower or birthday party too painful, don’t.

Find your own rituals to make sense of your loss. Some couples prefer not to do anything formal to acknowledge a miscarriage. Others find comfort in rituals that celebrate the baby’s brief life or acknowledge the loss. Your faith community may offer ways to do this. Or you may create your own way to mark your loss. Some couples plant a tree for the baby, make a memory box, or hold a brief memorial ceremony. Some light a candle, release balloons, make a contribution, or find another way to mark the baby’s due date. Some couples write letters to the baby about what the pregnancy meant to them, what their dreams were for the baby, or how they will keep the baby’s memory alive.

Know when to get help. Arial, HelveticaGrief should begin to ease over time. If it feels just as fresh and agonizing six months after the miscarriage as it did the day after, it may be time to seek help. If your sense of isolation from your partner or the rest of the world increases rather than decreases, then you may be mired in the mourning process. Bereavement counseling can help you move on. This help can take different forms: pastoral counseling, a support group, or counseling with a mental health professional.